Thanks to one of my wonderful students, this week has forced me to look into my own issues with sentiment, and even more specifically, my inability to let go of items, people, and feelings because of an insanely strong sentimental attachment.
A candle burnt down to the bottom, broken Christmas ornaments, a piece of napkin with a professor drawn on the side. Just several of the useless pieces of junk adorning my desktop. I hoard. Not in a way that is detrimental to my life or causes me to change my environment, but it does clutter my life both spacially and mentally. When people ask me to describe myself in one word ther's only one answer: I'm cluttered. I'm extremely jealous of my roommates who can keep their bedrooms so neat and organized. I despise my school friends that make their binders and notes look like fine works of art.
This week though, I found someone who is just like me. His brain is cluttered too. His thoughts, actions, belongings, and speech are a complete mess. Unlike me, he can't recognize that he hoards his thoughts and doesn't let them out. He can't throw away a cup from last week, but he can't tell me why either. He knows and I know that it's because I gave it to him as a reward for doing his homework, but that I only meant it for a one-time use. Yet he can't let go of that crumpled paper cup. I imagined what it would be like for him if I threw it away. I imagined someone throwing away my professor drawing that someone I used to care for made me. He would hate me. Who am I to tell him that the stupid paper cup is trash? I have no right when I keep my own trash muddling up my thoughts and my bedroom.
He'll keep that cup until someone else decides he can't keep it anymore. He'll never be able to tell them that he wants to keep it. He is mentally incapable of doing so. He has a cognitive disorder we refer to as Autism Spectrum Disorder. He can't tell his feelings. He can tell me every line of every movie he has ever seen, but he cannot tell me that he loves the paper cup I gave him to have a glass of water.
He forced me to think about my sentimental nature. Am I making a bigger deal out of this simple cup incident due to my own sentiment? Why can't I throw away that napkin? I know the person that made it for me is not coming back. I know the Christmas ornament will never be fixed. I really know that keeping memories so close to recognition that I tear at a mere thought of them it is unhealthy.
I can't stop though. It keeps me human. Staying sentimental is not my downfall. It's a downside, and it comes with a lot of baggage (boxes and boxes). I'm not going to let it get out of hand or control my life, but I think I'll let it stick around. It's a gift. Not everyone has the capability to be sentimental or miss something that they once had.
So take my word for it: keep random paperclips. Save the flower a friend picks for you on the side of the road. Make a birthday card box. Your life might be a little cluttered, but I think someday it will be worth it.
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